Modern Love: Why We’re Swiping Less and Feeling More

If you’ve ever found yourself sitting at North Curly after a Bumble date that bombed, or deleting eHarmony only to redownload it a week later, you’re not alone. Online dating has become a modern norm - a wild mix of hopeful swipes, awkward coffees, and, if you’re really lucky, a spark that feels like it might actually go somewhere.

Meeting someone online is as normal now as grabbing a coffee at Coast, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. The swipes, the small talk, the ghosting, the “so what are you looking for?” chats. The dates where they don’t look anything like their photos. The ones that are lovely but lack that something. The ones that leave you rethinking your boundaries, your worth, your ability to trust yourself. And yet, in a world where many of us are juggling work, kids, surf checks, and Sunday markets, it often feels like the most accessible way to meet someone.

But what happens when the swiping becomes exhausting? When the search for love starts to feel like a part-time job? When, after too many coffees and “tell me about your weekend” chats, you find yourself craving something more, something human, something - and someone - real?

“I think a big part of it is that online dating reduces human connection to a curated profile and a swipe,” says Max Schneider, one half of the husband-and-wife therapist duo behind Let Love Happen on the Northern Beaches.

“Most platforms use personality-matching algorithms, which sound scientific, but they often overlook what really sustains a relationship: shared values, embodied presence, and emotional safety. We see a growing frustration with that - people are craving something real, not just algorithmic convenience.”

Tatiana Schneider agrees. “As co-therapists and as a couple, we’ve worked with many people who were ‘matched’ on paper but ended up in emotionally flat relationships. Personality similarities can create ease, but we think it’s shared values that give a relationship direction, resilience, and depth.”

She adds, “Max and I are, in many ways, complete opposites - but our shared values have helped form the foundation for deep intimacy. That’s what we help couples cultivate through our work at Let Love Happen: not just ease, but growth, vitality, and genuine connection.”

For many of us on the Beaches, it’s the desire for genuine connection that has us questioning swipe culture. It’s wanting to see how someone treats the barista, what their energy feels like in person, how they move through a conversation when it drifts into silence. It’s the hope of meeting someone who feels comfortable, someone who feels like home.

“It’s vital,” Max says about in-person connection. “In real life, you pick up on cues that screens from our devices can’t fully deliver, like eye contact, the cadence of someone’s voice, how they hold space, or how they hold their breath - to name just a few. These are the unspoken cues that shape emotional safety and resonance.”

Tatiana points out that research supports what many of us feel intuitively. “There’s heaps of research into embodied cognition that supports this. Our nervous systems are wired for relational attunement through posture, tone, and even micro-expressions. In our therapy work, these cues are often what guide our most effective interventions. It’s no different in dating. Your body often knows what your mind hasn’t yet verbalised.”

She’s right. So much of dating in real life is about the small moments that can’t be captured in a profile: how someone talks about their family, the way they hold space for your stories, the comfort you feel in their silence, the spark in their laugh when something genuinely amuses them.

“I think perhaps the biggest benefit is that you’re not just meeting someone’s curated persona, you’re encountering their energy,” Max explains. “In person, you get a felt sense of whether this is someone who softens you, sharpens you, or leaves you unsettled.”

Tatiana adds, “It’s in the little things, like how they treat the coffee guy, how they speak about others, how they sit with silence. These moments reveal more about someone than any bio can. You also get access to the most important question: How do I feel in their presence? That’s the beginning of attuned, embodied connection.”

If you’re feeling the fatigue of online dating but also the nerves around meeting people in person, Tatiana has some advice. “Start with micro-courage. Smile at someone at the markets. Make eye contact with someone walking their dog. Compliment a stranger’s shirt. When you take tiny relational risks, you slowly show your nervous system that connection is safe, and even joyful.”

Max agrees, encouraging a mindset shift. “Take the pressure off. You’re not going out to ‘find The One’. You’re going out to practise being open and seeing what can happen from there. Just make room for love and pleasure to potentially grow. That growth begins with simple, grounded presence, not just always grand gestures.”

It’s a refreshing reminder that you don’t need to launch into the next big love story overnight. Sometimes, it’s about letting yourself show up, even when it feels awkward, and letting connection grow from there.

And how will you know if there’s chemistry when you meet someone? “A helpful idea is to remember that chemistry isn’t always just fireworks,” Max says. “Sometimes, it’s a quiet sense of ease – a feeling that you don’t need to perform and can be yourself. According to Dr. Helen Fisher’s research, chemistry involves both dopamine-driven spark and oxytocin-based safety. The most sustainable bonds often have both. But many of us don’t like to or want to hear that! We prefer the fireworks.”

Tatiana says it comes down to how your body feels. “You’ll know it by how you feel: more like yourself, more grounded, more alive. Pay attention to how your body responds. If your breath deepens or your shoulders drop, those are somatic green lights that you’re safe, attuned, and present.”

If you’re stepping back into dating or shifting your mindset, Tatiana says the key is to “date for alignment rather than affirmation. In other words, you’re not there to prove your worth, but to discover resonance. That mindset shift changes everything. It takes the desperation out of the process and brings you back to self-trust.”

Max echoes this, adding, “We encourage clients to move from compatibility to complementarity. That’s where magic often lives. In our couples work, we help people turn differences into assets. When held by shared values, difference can create fire, growth, and novelty. It’s one of the pillars of the Let Love Happen way - making space for love to thrive, even and especially in diversity or difference.”

And when it comes to breaking the ice, Tatiana suggests leading with gentle vulnerability. “Try something vulnerable and low stakes, like ‘I’m practising being a bit braver in real life. Do you mind if I say hi?’ That little dose of honesty builds trust. Vulnerability is attractive because it’s real.”

Max offers another simple, human approach: “You could simply try, ‘I always feel awkward starting conversations - but I figured I’d regret not saying hello more.’ It’s gentle, human, and sincere. And in our experience, sincerity is far more magnetic than polish.”

Presence, they say, is everything. “I think it’s because presence is how we say, you matter,” Tatiana explains. “It’s about attunement rather than performance. When someone is truly present, they’re not trying to impress or control the moment; they’re simply allowing it to unfold, body and mind aligned. That kind of embodied presence creates safety, and safety is the foundation of lasting attraction and connection.”

Max reflects on the post-COVID landscape, saying, “After COVID, we all value human connection so much more, I certainly did. There’s plenty of research in neuroscience and attachment showing that emotional and physiological availability is essential for secure bonds. In our couples’ work, we see every day how being grounded, attentive, and responsive is the key that transforms conflict into intimacy.”

If there’s one takeaway Max and Tatiana want you to remember, it’s to trust yourself. “Your body knows,” Tatiana says. “If you leave a conversation feeling anxious, small, or unsure, that’s feedback. And if you leave feeling light, grounded, and at ease, that’s feedback too. We help clients reconnect with their somatic signals because the body doesn’t lie.”

Max adds, “Feelings often catch up after action. So take a small risk. Trust your gut. If you need to move slowly, that’s okay too – slowness doesn’t mean fear, it can mean wisdom too.”

Online dating isn’t going anywhere, and it can still be a beautiful tool for connection if approached with intention and boundaries. But if you’re craving something more, something real, maybe this is your invitation to look up from the screen, take a small risk, and see who’s standing in front of you in the coffee queue, at the farmers’ markets, or on your morning walk.

Because as Max and Tatiana remind us, “Love often begins in the simplest of moments, when you’re present enough to notice.”

Max and Tatiana Schneider run Let Love Happen, a unique couples therapy practice helping people cultivate safe, passionate, and conscious love. Proud parents to four girls, they are based on the Northern Beaches and work with couples worldwide. You can connect with them at www.letlovehappen.org.

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